4 am

You have to learn to live with your enemy. I’ve been laying in bed for a week now..not ill, just tired of myself. Every few hours I felt like throwing up, I couldn’t eat, I wanted to drown in alcohol and sleep with the next stranger on my way, but hey, those were all loud thoughts as I had no energy to leave my bed. So, here we go, I’m still learning to accept my bipolar disorder as it is.

Each day got worse than previous one, as always.. I thought, – this is it.. I was laying in a hot bathtub till it turned cold, and imagined why, how and where I could be found dead.. I felt uncontrollable mentally, but my body was weak and still as the water I was laying in.. I hugged myself, although my mind was full of blood. I knew I don’t want to be this way, but I couldn’t help but wait till it all passes to high mania..

it’s hard, man..it has destroyed many friendships and relationships with people I’ve loved, with family.. with myself. I’m truly sorry to the ones who have to deal with this. I am truly trying my best, even if it seems I’ve given up! The bravest thing I ever did (and will do) was continuing my life every time I wanted to die..

I felt someone holding me tight, yesterday, every time I was one step away of a bad decision. Till it just made me fall asleep, then I joined the ghosts and led a life of freedom.. I know him. He’s my Guardian Angel.

I woke up at 4am, I was freezing, coughing till my lungs felt so ripped I was crying for air.. one breath, two.. I realised where I am. I felt different. Again

I got out of bed a bit tipsy but great, sat in the kitchen waiting for water to boil with a big smile on my face.. I felt.. like the heaviest rock just dropped off my chest. As I drank my tea in total silence, I only had one question to myself – “what happened with me this week..?” Then I knew, it’s mania back again. I felt strong, loud, I almost went for a run. My mind was so full of ideas and honest points bout’ what I have to change, do, reach.. whatever it is and whatever it takes.. I was ready to destroy everything in my way. At that moment I felt like hulk. I was woke. ….

It takes a second to change, but it’s not always the choice I want to make. xj

Bear with me, please.. it’s hard for me too, you know. And now..my mind is like 5miles ahead of my body, so I should end this here.

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How it must feel to be a bird?

I’ll choose freedom over the ring.
I’ve heard so many beautiful words, my skin has been touched in many different ways and i’ve felt so many deep feelings.. either it’s love or hate – it always has been ALL IN
Yes, I fall easily – in and out of love, but I’ve always been honest with my feelings.
I’ve been up and down, I’ve been dragged around, left out and asked to come back..
and yet, none of those beautiful words, nor actions were true..
in the end, i am too heavy to pick up..
i am too difficult and unstable to walk side by side on the same road..
and i am pretty sure, no one has ever loved me like i did.
i’ve never been someone’s hardest goodbye, i’ve never been someone’s YES no matter what .. and yet they dare to say, –
you’re not letting anyone close…so, it’s your fault.
well, tell me then, why it hurts so much? why do i have these scars and traumas?..
how dare you…to be honest
don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be someone’s first choice.
and I do understand…that i have to get myself together, love myself first, be stable and ready – but… will i ever be ? even if i will..trust me, don’t even dare to call my name.. because you weren’t there for me when i needed you the most..

i remember the times when people agreed that love has to be built, it has to grow, through good and bad, through all the crazy tears and pains, through the loudest laughs and broken hearts..
what happened? everything has to be ready, – here’s a full package on the plate, your majesty uh
– get your shit together, and then maybe we can meet for a cup of tea..
– you need some time with yourself, i do care about you, but it’s too much for me..
– maybe some..other day.. i am too busy to love you..
– you have a big heart, yet not for me.. go and love someone else.

it hurts…when you are ready for love, once again..it’s all the same.
i’ll choose freedom over the ring.
even if it leaves me empty.
I’ve given up

 

 

Blind or wicked?

Sometimes I like to think that my mad truth is a sweet lie. Truth isn’t always sweet as honey, easy and light. At one point it makes me feel a bit better.. like something really heavy just got off my chest and now it’s just a pinching pain and it needs time to pass like everything else.
I red this quote today in a bookstore, – “If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write.” I think it couldn’t be said any better.. then I realised once again, how many words I’ve written down with my own hands, all shaking and cold till it hurts to hold a pen..all these emotions and feelings I don’t wish for anyone to feel, but at least try to understand. If only someone could breath in these words, feel them on their skin without damaging its soul..
Anyone in the room could study me as much as they like, but they will never know me enough to handle. As much as I try to put my words in right directions, there will always be a drop of lies, just because not everything can be said, and anyway, not everyone will understand. You may think I’m sitting in a black hole my whole life regarding the things I say, write or the nonsense I draw, but it’s not true. Whatever I feel is colourful in its own way. Each of us deals with their thoughts and dreams in different ways, mine is better expressed through writing and not expecting anything back. I can criticize myself enough.
I fall far from the tree, I will never ask in return, but I will wish for actions to be done. Just wish for someone to sit down next to me and talk, without any further connections.. just talk, be a warm shoulder for a moment, a mirror – to see myself saying things I can’t control. Just so you know, if it can’t be controlled it doesn’t mean it’s a lie. There are things I want to say out loud to someone who is there to listen, not to teach and answer. I want to talk about dreams I can’t reach, about childhood memories, first scar which I have to face everyday, and first love I felt, even if it wasn’t real – real in a way – it wasn’t a reality.
I’ve said it before, – there are things which have to be accepted not understood or analysed. Everything happens for a reason, even if we won’t know it in weeks, months or even years, but once we will be ready to understand, the answer will come and knock on the door without asking.
Through our mind, we think that everything is easy as it is, but heart makes it difficult in so many unexpected ways. Sometimes I’m waking up at 3am with tears in my eyes, losing breath and missing someone I don’t even know.. it’s just another thing that you can’t change, delete or vanish, it just leaves you to deal with it on your own. That’s the heaviest pain on the chest you can feel, but it makes us stronger. At least, I like to think so.. that it’s all just a lie.
..

Back to Heartache Pt. 2

“Nothing worth having or doing is easy. I ain’t running away and I will make you stronger even though you don’t need it !!”

You said it once, You said it twice, but You did none of it*
Everyone is talking about the Law of Attraction. The big Secret. Alright, let me set this straight, it is all truth, we are our thoughts and feelings, we get what we think, we get what we feel, believe in, what we remind ourselves.. We accept what we think we deserve, and even if we think we don’t deserve – we do, one way or another.
I will stop here.. It’s all about our beliefs and this one was Yours. Did it work out well ? Just the way You “attracted”, huh? For me it’s still the same, never ending story..
It was a wicked game, I’ll say, no matter how much we tried to say there’s no games, no lies, – it was too scary to be truth, indeed. I may have dreamt to meet a soul like Yours, but I never dreamed that I’d lose someone like You. I dreamed that I have a friend, instead, but You made me look like a fool for even considering it.
Back to beliefs.. I didn’t had a chance to explain. I believe in angels.
And You were the devil.
When I said it out loud, You laughed, but I know you got me wrong. You were that fallen angel, with eyes of the devil I will never forget. Wise and completely righteous, sometimes rebellious, but after all perfect in beauty. And by beauty I mean your soul. You can’t “fake a soul”. I knew just enough, I saw even more.. and here I am, still asking all these questions, because there’s nothing left to happen, to reveal all the answers I am looking for. My heart went silent, it suffers too much, and there’s no one to ask either. I’ve always told myself that there is no need to ask and look for answers, because all of it will appear in front of you at the right time and place, no need to rush, to overthink, to suffer of not knowing, everything happens as it has to. For a reason.
It is easy to say, I know.. But You are still an enigma to me, and that is one of the million reasons why I can’t get over it.
Huh.., pardon, I forgot to mention the most essential thing in all this.. – I lost something I didn’t even have. So, I guess you know how I feel with my mixed feelings, as a fool, thinking I had a friend.. but I did not. It was just a dream. You got one for yourself too, right? I can’t be the only one.. Falling for a soul I will never be able to touch. In any f  way.
Maybe You misunderstood me all along, I was a fool. Left on red.
Sorry for the letters.. but there’s a good sentence somewhere in the bottom of the page. I believed (in) you, but I guess You didn’t understand that it was my biggest fear. I should’ve trusted myself.. again.
A stick has two ends. There is no one to blame, – You’re just a character with no name to everyone else, but to me, You are something my heart can’t stop singing about. Neither good nor bad, but these are the lyrics. Hundreds of pages with songs I don’t know how to sing alone..
And on this note.. I am constantly torn between “if it’s meant to be it will be” and “if you want it, go and get it“..

Oh, well…

The second I step outside of myself to look around, I realise I don’t belong here.
I guess one way or another we all have these feelings sometimes, but we’re scared to face them and talk about it. Well, I am not. I’m here, some days locking myself up from outside world, and some days speaking so loud that no one even hears me. Either way I have a feeling I’ll lose my voice soon. I hear my heart screaming, but my mouth is locked, unable to move or crack a smile to show that “I am fine”.
Call me crazy, but I don’t feel like myself. Maybe I am crazy, maybe this body isn’t where I supposed to be, maybe this time and place is not for me, but as I am here… I’m just doing what I have to do, like every other person, – just because it has to be done not because I want to.
I’m young, I’ve made bad decisions, I’m somewhat naïve, I block out the world, I don’t believe in religion, but in the end, I’ll see myself on my knees praying. I’ll go to church, not because I think it’s the answer, but because I’m not ashamed to cry like a baby whilst sitting there in silence. However, I’m ashamed of things I’ve done to myself so far. I’m not a saint, I’m more of a sinner, and I keep asking myself for forgiveness. For all the bad thoughts I’ve ever allowed to destroy my soul, my peace, my love to myself. For all the bad words I’ve allowed my mouth to spit out. For all the pain I’m causing because of who I am.

And I just don’t know anymore.. I am losing it.

Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.

I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.”

So should I be weak to feel otherwise? I’ll admit, I’ve thought for years now, how would my life turn out if I would be weak, simple and easy as most of people I’ve crossed my road with. I’m not trying here to put anyone in “that box with a name on”, just saying that I feel different. Hard to handle, hard to love, hard to understand.

I’ve never thought that someone will enter my life, rub my back, hold my hand tight and make me feel good, no, it won’t help. I’m hiding in bars, in crowded rooms, and it makes me think twice is it because of social stupidity or my social anxiety.

Millions of people in this world, all of them craving, looking for someone to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why do people have to be this lonely?

All we want is to reach out and touch another human being not just with our hands, but with our hearts, but sadly, most of the time it leads to an disappointment. I guess, it’s because we are trying to see someone as we want them to be, not as they are. That’s messed up..or maybe everybody in the whole damn world is just scared of each other.

I am terrified, but mostly I won’t admit that. That breaks my heart, because memories and feelings are supposed to be shared, not kept behind closed doors. I know that truth scares people, I’ve been there..,but should we really live our whole life in colorful lies?

 

 

Now I’m skeptical of love.

Ask yourself, when you hold my hand, do you want to hold my heart? When you say you want me, is it all of me or just one part?
Sometimes you have to give up on something in the name of love, if you can’t, is it even love? ..

After all, don’t get me wrong, I like myself, I’m not much, but I’m all I have, in the best way I could be, still growing and learning from my mistakes. Just..trying to find the value of things we’ve lost a long time ago, as much as trying to figure out how weird it is to feel like you miss someone you’re not even sure you know..
Half of my heart is in love, and I don’t know what to do. It’s not even enough for myself, so how can I ask for something more?

The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie.

Tell people how you feel.
Don’t be afraid of your feelings.. And never apologize about being true’.
If you wake up at 5am thinking about someone, – tell them.
If you understand something you didn’t before – don’t be afraid to tell that.
Admit that you were wrong. 
If you want someone by your side – tell them.
If someone should leave – let them know.
Don’t hide your feelings, be true to yourself. But don’t expect anything in return, don’t wait for someone to feel the same, don’t ask for anything..
Say what you don’t like, tell what you love. Compliment, smile, be angry and cry; Love and fight; admit that you love someone just because that’ someone exists, or otherwise; but in the end of the day accept yourself and surroundings as they are; forgive them and yourself; and prepare yourself to feel blessed enough to say more kind words next day.
“You’re never too old and it’s never too late”. 
…the only thing I’m sorry about is – that people don’t know how to accept or try to enjoy what is given. Some of them’ puts too much effort in other people minds and life’s forgetting about themselves; forgetting their own feelings towards life; love and own truth.
I’m sorry that bad stuff’ has to be “touched” hundreds of times a day to put a mess where it shouldn’t be; just because everyone wants to understand and know everything or maybe..try to feel better about making others feel miserable. I feel sorry that one and other listen to answer not to understand; and are waiting for answers disrespecting others silence. We all make mistakes, and we all sometimes lose ourselves in all these emotions.. But we all have a beating heart in our chest; strong in broken places.
Everything happens for a reason and sometimes that should be accepted not understood’.
I may forget what have I said or done; but I will never forget how I felt. And the difference is that – I remember it from a distance; never take yesterday’s feelings with you starting a new day; you will fulfill yourself with new ones. Good or bad it’s up to your own life lines; if you’re telling the truth you don’t have to remember anything..
Just don’t forget that this all shall pass.