You have to learn to live with your enemy. I’ve been laying in bed for a week now..not ill, just tired of myself. Every few hours I felt like throwing up, I couldn’t eat, I wanted to drown in alcohol and sleep with the next stranger on my way, but hey, those were all loud thoughts as I had no energy to leave my bed. So, here we go, I’m still learning to accept my bipolar disorder as it is.
Each day got worse than previous one, as always.. I thought, – this is it.. I was laying in a hot bathtub till it turned cold, and imagined why, how and where I could be found dead.. I felt uncontrollable mentally, but my body was weak and still as the water I was laying in.. I hugged myself, although my mind was full of blood. I knew I don’t want to be this way, but I couldn’t help but wait till it all passes to high mania..
it’s hard, man..it has destroyed many friendships and relationships with people I’ve loved, with family.. with myself. I’m truly sorry to the ones who have to deal with this. I am truly trying my best, even if it seems I’ve given up! The bravest thing I ever did (and will do) was continuing my life every time I wanted to die..
I felt someone holding me tight, yesterday, every time I was one step away of a bad decision. Till it just made me fall asleep, then I joined the ghosts and led a life of freedom.. I know him. He’s my Guardian Angel.
I woke up at 4am, I was freezing, coughing till my lungs felt so ripped I was crying for air.. one breath, two.. I realised where I am. I felt different. Again
I got out of bed a bit tipsy but great, sat in the kitchen waiting for water to boil with a big smile on my face.. I felt.. like the heaviest rock just dropped off my chest. As I drank my tea in total silence, I only had one question to myself – “what happened with me this week..?” Then I knew, it’s mania back again. I felt strong, loud, I almost went for a run. My mind was so full of ideas and honest points bout’ what I have to change, do, reach.. whatever it is and whatever it takes.. I was ready to destroy everything in my way. At that moment I felt like hulk. I was woke. ….